i was cleaning out my closets.. well I have a long way to go. I have a box – a rubbermaid tub of stuff from the kids and from me as a teenager, that sits in my closet -never to be opened.. just waiting for what.? Until i die and then my kids will have to deal with it. So I thought I’d go thru the boxes.. these tombs slowly.. and throw out stuff ..
i came upon all the “peace project” stuff.. Hoy shit, i wrote like a madman! I worked on it for like 2 years straight. I remember the day when I decided, “I just want to devote my life to peace”.. and i was so- YAH,RIGHT ON! ….. and I wrote a lot… A lot! then I got into the mindfulness wave and i wanted to teach it to kids. I even sewed 24 kid-sized meditation cushions ! I played the cello- desperately trying to be connect to others with music and video.. I truly loved it all.. I felt bliss.
i miss that drive or desire.. I just don’t have it … it helped me get through the loneliest times in my life….i could always get in a better mood if I had a project to work on.. It always worked..or helped me to cope with loneliness..
Now, I spend my time making my house look really cool -that inspires me… I want to set it up as an art space…. but I just think “death”.. Not that I want to die at all ….just that i am going to die at some point… We are here, we are gone…kinda scares me.
I wish that I would get compelled again to do something creative… It’s so strange…I don’t care about that stuff – sex,men, art, music, or impressing anyone…. I still like it all right- it’s just not driving me at all.
I just exist- I work, I like my job.. I don’t love it..but i do like it.. I fix my home.. that’s sort of fun.. I enjoy financial stability…My goal is to have something to build financially for the kids.. So they have an inheritance as well… that makes me feel driven I guess… I watch episodes of “the office” at night …makes me laugh.. I still love to meditate.. We had a gorgeous fire Puja last night in the woods… Burnt offerings of my fears into the fire… I hold way too much fear…. I just want to live my life like nothing else matters… Just saying Yes !! YES! ok, yes!
I like to drink wine still…. and I like to go out …
I wonder if I will wake up the creative again or the need for things to be different…the desires- the wanting to say something, the need to connect ……. Ignorance really is bliss.. .. Being shallow really may have its perks!
I have nothing standing in the way of myself anymore.. No kids, no relationship, no financial crisis, no ailing parents…thats kinda ok.
onelovemedia 